I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. I just need to think about it outloud. It’s been weeks since I’ve had the time to actually THINK. And by think, I mean write, like this blog is about to become: a big pile of writing. Just sit down and write and not worry about explaining nouns vs verbs or how to find the perimeter of a quadrilateral or whatever. Just let it pile up.
See, it’s like I told my kid this morning. ”I want to be Mommy. I don’t want to be your teacher. I just want to be your mom.”
Now, I am a GREAT teacher. Ask anyone. I have references.
Just don’t ask my kids.
The K12 curriculum would be a lot of work for anyone with one kid. For someone with 3 kids, it is impossible. Especially with just one computer to do it on. I begged for another and got another. It got easier with two, but not easy.
Please understand that when I say “easy,” I don’t expect the computer and the kids and the books to do all the work. I willingly cleared my entire day every day for the kids school.
But I expect them to be able to work independently for long enough for me to say, take a shower, brush my teeth, nurse the baby, maybe eat something…
AND THAT HASN’T HAPPENED AFTER FIVE WEEKS OF SCHOOL. IT IS TOO MUCH.
So, now that I’ve painted you a picture of a frazzled woman whose organizational skills are the ONLY thing holding school together at this point, let me add to this picture this little bit of information: when I am stressed, I get angry. I get angry and I scream.
Have you called my references yet to find out what a great teacher I am? I’m sure they would be horrified to hear that I screamed at my kids even once, let alone several times each week, in order to meet k12’s unreasonable workload.
It’s just not possible, that’s all there is to it.
My 2nd grader doesn’t want to quit. He doesn’t want to be dumb at school next year. He wants to learn.
My oldest has a horrible attitude, unless he’s having a great attitude. It really all depends on his mood. Good days go by quickly and he wins student of the day. Bad days end up in HELL and that’s that place I don’t want to be ever again, which is why I’ve got to quit this stupid program. I do not like the mother they see before them when I scream and throw things. That is not who I always wanted to be when I grow up. I have tried rising above, being bigger and better than that. I have tried being anyone and everyone other than the worst version of myself. My BEST SELF packed her bags and left this house sometime in August. She hasn’t sent a post card. We have no idea where she went. We are not happy with the woman who has replaced her, either.
My middle son has improved in comparison with his oldest brother. He still does stuff to resist school and to piss me off (turn off the computer, go and play Legos instead of doing work), but usually it is either him or Sam disobeying me. TODAY IT WAS BOTH.
Either one is capable of turning me into a total screaming bitch, and it’s SO hard because I know what it is like being raised by a screamer. I don’t want to be a scary, abusive mother. I want to be loving, kind, nurturing, caring, wise, patient, giving, etc.
Before K12, I was that mom. Now, I AM A TOTAL WRECK.
So, yeah, I think we are quitting K12. I called, and there are no fees to quit. They’ll send shipping labels and we can ship back all the stuff.
The boys like the connect sessions. They like seeing other kids, too.
They need to sit and work with someone. They need instruction. They can’t do it all by themselves. If they go into a school setting, they’ll get some of that, but not all. If we quit K12 and go back to bird-watching and stuff like that, they’ll get some of that, but not all. If we join a homeschool co-op, they’ll get some of that, but not all, and my time goes out the window—but it could be a workable compromise if it’s only one or two days a week.
They are not going to get intense one-on-ones anywhere. I tried intense. It was called k12. It was TOO MUCH.
I HAVE LOST MY MIND.
They could get intense subject-tutoring if need be.
They are smart kids. SO smart. I want to see them excel, and I want to see them happy. Growing and joyful and blessed and sweet. I want to see them walking in that radiance. It belongs to them.
This K12 thing. It was a good idea on paper. They sure sold it to me. But I GIVE UP.
I need to be able to take a sick day once in awhile. I need to be able to have a shower, every day. And last but not least, I need to be able to write everyday, sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for two hours. I NEED THESE THINGS BACK.
There are a lot of things I am willing to exclude from my life. I have given up bleaching whites, as everyone does his own laundry. I am willing to give up Mon & Tues & Thur & Sat & Sun to scouts and soccer and other stuff—some temporary, some ongoing. I am even willing to give up sleeping until 6 am in order to get up extra early and get everyone packed, awake, clean, etc. and off for the day.
BUT I AM NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING MOMMY. I just want to be their mother. I teach because I am their mother, but I am not able to keep simultaneously trying to teach geometry, 4th grade English, and 2nd grade science AT THE SAME TIME WITH THREE PEOPLE ASKING ME QUESTIONS. They know to take turns. That’s not the issue. It’s the brain split + the work load that NEVER stops. I hate it. Let me off. Let me out. Let me go.
(And if you think that it’s no big deal for a writer to go a month without the freedom to write, you try holding your tongue for a month and see how not talking goes for you, Chief.)
6 Notes/ Hide
- petoskystone said: That’s a lot you’ve taken on! I have enough problems helping 2 out of 3 grandchildren with their homework & #1 grandchild with her reading practices. I couldn’t even get #2 to sit still & focus long enough to practice writing his name!
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